Home > News Quips > Cutting Open History: The Story of Ming

Cutting Open History: The Story of Ming

This is actual news from the science community, and not just a made up life story… mostly... and by mostly I mean the link and the ending are true. 

1499. Ming the Mollusk is born to a single mother into the quiet life of the sea floor.

1500. Ming’s mother gave it a shell-crafted pearl as a first birthday present which Ming, doing as children do, promptly got it stuck up in its gills and had to get the local doctor to pluck it out, further pushing the family into debt.

1605. Ming realized that spending a century chilling down in the mud eating Cheetos and drinking Mountain Dew was no way to live and decided to venture out of its hole.

1606. Ming was wrong and dug itself another, albeit larger, hole.

1707. Ming hears of a so-called “Bubonic Plague,” but mumbles off something about stupid land walkers.

1899. Ming celebrates its 400th birthday by angrily waving its muscle at all of the young bivalves outside messing up all of Ming’s hard, muddy work.

2006. Just as Ming is about to make dinner, some of those pesky land walkers yank him right out of the water and start poking at its shell with their fat, fleshy fingers. Ming can hear the toothy beasts arguing over how old it is and right as Ming is about to answer, they pried open his shell…

Because as we all know, ripping a living thing apart to determine its age seems a tad bit silly.

When I’m angry, my body turns less into the green mass that is the Hulk and more into a body with visible blue and purple pulsating blood veins that kind of hurt after a while and is probably not good for my blood pressure.  This is what the news sometimes does to me and you can find more of that here in my News Quips and in The Daily Rant.

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