Home > News Quips > Twigs and Berries – The Sole Remaining Health-food

Twigs and Berries – The Sole Remaining Health-food

Health and food news is constantly invading the Life sections of newspapers and the oh-shit-if-you-eat-this-you’ll-surely-die-a-less-timely-death-than-getting-hit-by-a-bus articles, which are mandatory each day on Yahoo!  I’ve never liked releasing posts that are short takes on everyday stories, especially when I’m severely lacking any original commentary to get your laughter muscles laughing (you know, the ones that make you fart, which is scientifically the only reason farts are funny).  However, I’ve recently had a three month period of not publishing anything so I might as well get your stubborn anger raised up a notch because it’s Friday, and I see no better way of ruining the last day of your work week when you’re usually skipping down the hall and giving the finger to the standard dress-code.

Once again I learned that apparently everything once thought to be healthy for those of us growing up in the ’80s was a lie created by Skeletor or somebody humanely evil that didn’t like to see people drop dead after immediate consumption, but liked keeping scrapbooks of our lives to track our progressively deteriorating health.  Among this article’s list of ingredients that you “never want to see on a nutritional label” (because reading the sodium level apparently gives you brain hemorrhages) are a culmination of all things that made your childhood a damn childhood.

kid playing in mud courtesy of blogspot post

Well, also this. Before your parent’s bought you a Nintendo.

Did you like cereal?  Do you still eat cereal? Boring cereal like Cheerios didn’t always do it for you, did it?  You had to have some of that flavored stuff like Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, or Lucky Charms.  BOOM!  You now have cancer or at best a tumor.

Lunchtime.  Surely there was a hotdog involved in there somewhere, and if we were lucky, bacon.  Hell, my best friend and I used to eat raw hotdogs for breakfast and we’re still proud of that (in case you’ve never lived this wild, it basically tastes like bologna).  POW! We consumed something that allegedly has to do with carcinogens.

After school, I was graciously allowed to split a single can of Pepsi, Coke, or the diet varieties with my brother.  Looks like we drank some more carcinogens or something… we might as well have taken up smoking at 11.

Fast forward through your Dungeons & Dragons high school senior year and the excessive consumption of MSG-causing Funyuns, to being at college cooking pasta side dishes as your entire meal.  Yah, those forced your body to create MSG.  Maybe I could sue Food Lion for promoting my bad health with those pasta side packs selling at 10 for $10, but then I’d have to beat myself.

So go ahead and start munching on these. You may get severe diarrhea for four days, but at least it’s not deliciously-processed cereal cancer.

When he’s not living off of the wilderness, FBG’s Geoff is probably complaining about the news.

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  1. 2012/08/24 at 5:26 pm

    I hope everyone realized that I’m referring all of this to http://health.yahoo.net/experts/eatthis/8-ingredients-you-never-want-see-nutrition-label

  2. eyeLaugh
    2012/09/14 at 5:48 pm

    I eat cereal with no milk as a snack! usually cherrios or golden grahms mmm

  3. 2012/12/27 at 2:36 am

    Oatmeal is where it’s at. I usually swap between no breakfast, an egg and fruit breakfast and oatmeal. I was told once it was healthy but I didn’t bother to verify it and I don’t go to doctors.

    • 2013/01/19 at 3:27 pm

      I think somebody told me today to eat more oatmeal. I had to throw sand in their eyes and walk away.

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