Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > Eight Pairs Of Judgement

Eight Pairs Of Judgement

For all the men reading this post, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: the girl that keeps glancing at you from across the bar (because you’re practically staring at her without blinking and she’s kind of getting creeped out) didn’t wear her best curve-fitting, matching outfit to impress you or any other guy tonight.  Women dress up more for the accepted opinion of other women rather than the accepted opinion of men.  I’d like to believe that guys do not typically care what their buddies wear out to the bar; that is unless one of them is supposed to be your designated wingman and he’s looking like resident bum, Carl, from the back alley on downtown U Street.

As I’m writing this post, I can’t fully immerse myself in this idea since I’m vaguely aware it’s even a problematic situation.  There’s an unseen social peer pressure existing in her clothing choices that has been transparent to my eyes (if I say is something is “unseen”… can it still be transparent?).  A typical college-aged girl has already learned how to flaunt her figure to catch a guy’s junk* regardless of her outfit, but first she has to consider the group of girlfriends she’ll be going out with.

*I would have said “a guy’s eyes,” but I finished the last sentence with that word. It’s bad form… in my eyes. 

picture found on dnliving.com

He’s been actively undressing her in his mind all night anyway, so she won’t need to try very hard to steal his willpower.

If she’s a reasonable, middle-grounded modest girl, not too much of a vain attention whore, but not so quiet people forget she’s in the room, then she won’t want to be appear as the “ugliest” out of her group nor the overly dressed.  Guy’s may have their non-discriminating wingman lined up on the carrier deck ready to make a strategic pass targeted at the “ugly” girl so his flight leader can snatch the good one without any distractions (I went way too far into that analogy).  Unless you’re feeling some female blue-balls** and are dying for sex, you probably don’t want to realize you’re the pity girl; further allowing yourself to get hit on by the unattractive sloppy drunk wingman so your girlfriend and his friend can hit it off while you go home in shame.

**Which you’re not. I’ve conducted my own tests (the bar being my lab) along with holding female panel interviews and, no, you women do not know what it’s like to have a bad case of the blue balls and couldn’t possibly feel the same. Your sensitivity-filled mind may be driving your body crazy for the need of pleasure provided only by a partner, but at least it won’t hurt as much as each step gently rattling the blue ball sack. However, we men seem to stand helpless and dumbfounded while you’re screaming during baby delivery. Equality right?

Women are even judgmental on everyday outfits.  How many pairs of flip-flops would a rational male think he should own?  In all universal reasoning, two pairs would suit him fine.  One pair is strictly a backup for when the other pair gets misplaced or ruined.  After a night of heavy drinking or being around a teething puppy, he will finally have to retrieve the other pair hidden amongst the mess in his room.

A girl will already have eight different pairs of flip-flops taking up valuable space in her cramped shoe closet, and yet she still will be reminding herself to buy at least one more pair as soon as it gets warmer outside.  And, god forbid, if her shirt and purse can’t match her shoes, then there’s no way she’s walking out that door.  But if this lady and I are going out to eat, I could care less if her shoes match as long as they’re not a total eyesore.   I’m forgetting that she’s concerned more about coincidentally bumping into her friend at this expensive restaurant and being seen out of style.  This is while all along I’m more concerned with my untold plan to take her to a restaurant at the farthest end of town where I won’t have to worry about being seen around her crazy ass.  Besides, her purse is probably some blind, new-age combination of hideously neon colored fur that instinctively brings out my primal urges to stab the beast before it can harm the children.

There’s one line in The Shawshank Redemption that has always struck my fancy as Red points out, “The guard simply didn’t notice.  Neither did I.  I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a man’s shoes?”  I tried to use this quote in convincing a few girls that, in the grand scheme of things, shoe choices don’t matter. They all told me the same thing, “But women are always checking out everyone’s shoes; especially other women’s shoes.”  So women are staring at other women’s shoes, while men are staring at other women’s chests.  I guess it’s a good balance in the world.

picture found from pualingo.com

In all good conscious, I couldn’t use the word “wingman” throughout a post without physically making everyone picture this.

Life has never handed me lemons because I’ve yet to meet anyone named that.  Maybe I should visit more farmer’s markets.  Read more from The Goofy Book 3

  1. 2012/05/21 at 8:24 am

    and the best part is I included not one picture of an average girl’s shoe closet

  2. 2012/05/21 at 9:17 am

    What you’re not supposed to dress up for your buddies too? I’m in a biker gang, and if one of us isn’t wearing the “colors” or matching patches, he gets dragged behind our bikes with chains around his neck. Just in FYI.

  3. 2012/05/22 at 2:30 am

    Girls also look at other girls chests, if for nothing else but comparison. And it might take all of 2 seconds to glance at them, but every girl will be a better judge of another girls breasts (real or no, general shape and size, padded/pushup bra or not) in that 2 seconds than the dumbass guy who blatantly stares at a rack for 15 minutes.

  4. 2012/05/22 at 7:17 am

    Awesome post!
    You are a credit to your gender – and blogging – and I hope you keep pumping out such great material! I just wish I had more time to read it!
    I haven’t been to a club in..You know what? I don;t even know how long its been! Thanks for keeping me current!

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