Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > Animal Nature (I Dare You To Stick Your Hand In This Cage…)

Animal Nature (I Dare You To Stick Your Hand In This Cage…)

When you mindlessly stick your arm into a tiger cage, what is the best outcome you’re expecting?  If the number one answer wasn’t “only having your arm torn off” then maybe it’s time to sit down and rethink your absurdly risk-taking lifestyle.  For that matter, why does the public seem shocked when the tiger does manage to grab hold of said arm and turn it into an industrial-sized kitty mouse toy?  It seems to be society’s fantasy that once any of these bears, tigers, killer whales, or any other of the naturally aggressive creatures of the world are put into zoos, then they must instantly become nice cuddly animals to take photos of and throw cotton-candy at (ever seen a lion with a sticky, gum-like substance in it’s hair?  Hilarious… I would imagine…).  How else can the public outcry be so off base when one of these animals realizes you’re skirting dangerously into its territory and you’re now capable of becoming their bitch?  If you’re a circus performer and you voluntarily position your head inside a tiger’s mouth, then you better have your final affairs in order because the only stunt in this scene is performing a real-life experiment to see if the laws of Darwinism took a short lunch break with this 700lb beast.

Mmmm another idiotic human... Just wait 'til we force you out of there

What’s worse is when the public outcry post-Darwin-Award winning incident demands that the ferocious animal be put to sleep for killing one of us precious humans.  Aren’t there plenty of us around?  Carlin would think so.  In all common sense, which you know I’m an avid fan, everyone should have thought about this situation for one logical moment and understood that the animal is doing nothing outside of its ordinary life.  It’s the born and bred hunter, and guess what, you’re the one left running for your life.

Feb 25th some odd years ago (depending on when I wrote this and how accurate any of my facts are), a Killer Whale (capitalized here for effect and because this is the name scientist’s commonly use.  Science!) dragged a female trainer by her pony tail into its tank where she took one too many gulps of water and drowned.  The first important detail is that she was lying down with her hair dangling so elegantly in the water.  Maybe she used a shampoo that morning with a little too much shimmer and the orca, like any good pirate, was attracted to shiny things.  This final chapter of life scenario, to me, doesn’t seem like it was really all that unexpected, also given that this particular orca was linked to the death of two previous trainers in the two years prior to this most recent underwater playtime adventure.  Was anyone distracted by the whale’s cute flips and blow-hole surprises (that phrase may be scientific too… or at least that’s how I’d market it) to forget that this whale’s psuedo-nickname just happens to start with Killer?

"I just want to playyyyy.... mmwwwhhahhahahahaaaaha" (I expect it to say)

Everybody makes their own choices and must suffer the consequences if they don’t turn out favorable.  As blunt as I may be, she knew exactly which killer whale (living up to its name) she was attempting to train when she accepted the task.  In retrospect, maybe earlier that fateful morning she should have considered ditching the ponytail and wrapped her hair up in a tight Princess Leia style bun.  (Ending a post with a poor humor Star Wars reference… success!) 

Once you’re done planning to go Bigfoot hunting armed solely with sticks and copious amounts of beer, spend your last peaceful (and limb-having) moments reading The Goofy Book 3.

  1. 2012/02/15 at 9:18 am

    Exactly. It’s our feeling of superiority – we think we control the outcome of ALL THINGS (muah ha ha as the killer whale said). However, thinking that an animal will go against its instincts just because we control the situation, is always going to end bad.
    Having said said, I wish I could control a snow tiger. It’s a childhood dream of mine to keep one as a pet. Here, Big Kitty kitty kitty….

  2. 2012/02/15 at 7:44 pm

    There are stories daily about this. I saw a Discovery show about a woman with a pet monkey (like one of those little screechy ones) and it wore dresses. I am glad this particular moneky did b/c it had boobs and the monkey boobs were bothersome. The woman would open mouth kiss this fucking monkey like a steamy teenaged makeout session…well kind of. It was gross. She also lost half her thumb to this monkey. What’s wrong with people? This is why I don’t like animals bigger than me. That’s the rule of thumb by which I gauge interaction with creatures. I want to know I could beat the animal up need be. Nice post!

  3. 2012/02/16 at 5:54 pm

    Hey, I’ve been liking you blog, so I said as much here:
    Thanks for the great reads! 🙂

  4. 2012/02/19 at 11:47 am

    We’ve forgotten just how ferocious animals truly are; what a shame. Still, it makes for some great blog fodder, right?

  5. red
    2012/02/21 at 10:06 am

    That’s funny. You asked what “best outcome” we would expect from sticking an arm into the tiger cage, and I thought “that the tiger would ignore it”. …but you called me out in the very next sentence.


    (and nice SW reference)

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