Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > Steps To Success: Part 1 – Ignoring Others

Steps To Success: Part 1 – Ignoring Others

Our first “Steps to Success” program will be about how to generally ignore somebody.  However, please note that this should only be done as a last ditch effort… you never know when you might need to borrow their blender to make after-work margaritas on a Monday.

  1. Don’t answer your cell phone when they call.
    1. If you accidentally answer your phone, tell them you’ve really, I mean really gotta poop and that you’ll call them back later.
    2. Never call back later.
  2. When they try to leave you voicemails reminding you to call them back, never delete them so that eventually your voicemail box will be full and they won’t be able to leave any more pesky messages.
    1. Don’t worry, you’ll still answer the phone for those friends you’re considering giving the time of day.
    2. They may try to be extra sly and call you from a different number.  At recognizing the sound of their voice, start speaking your sure-to-be-non-stereotypical version of Chinese for five straight minutes until they hang up.
  3. When they begin texting you about your voicemail box being full, immediately reply to each txt with a crafted standard automatic error return message, “XXX-XXX-XXXX is a landline #.”
    1. It helps to keep one of these messages saved to spare you from typing it again and again with each of their pathetic attempts.
    2. If you have not already, begin mercilessly spreading the news of their eerily-fanatical habits to coworkers, peers, hobos on the street (they’re good people watchers).
  4. If the problem persists, get a new phone number and only give it out to your true friends.
    1. That is, of course, unless they forget to hang out with you this Friday in which case you you need to ignore them too, then repeat this process.
  5. If you pass the individual in public, avert your eyes and quickly duck into the nearest shop or behind the closest tree.
    1. If they saw you and begin approaching, feel free to cut off all of your hair and eyebrows in hopes of creating a spur-of-the-moment disguise.
    2. If relieving yourself of body hair does not sound appealing, then take evasive action and follow Luke’s lead into the nearest garbage chute (Sheena, it’s about time you got to watching the original Star Wars like I said…)
  6. If they begin sending you creepy messages on Facebook commenting on how cute you looked as you slept in your bed last night (when they were not invited to your personal slumber party)then you can easily use the Block or Remove Friend feature handy for just such an invasion of privacy.
    1. Consider taking the time during your lunch break to call the police.
    2. Note, this doesn’t work on MySpace because nobody uses that site anymore.
  7. If there’s a lightning flash during thunderstorm at night and your favorite stalkery individual’s face is illuminated outside of your living room window crouched in the bushes wearing all black then DEAR GOD SCREAM, SCREAM LOUDER THAN YOU EVER HAVE BEFORE, GRAB A HEAVY OBJECT OR SOMETHING SHARP AND POINTY AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT SHIT YOUR PANTS JUST A LITTLE.  It’ll all be over soon, deary.
  8. Ssssshhhhhhh now…..

Where life continues on through a series of twists, turns, thoughts, and finding fluffy pink things hidden in your closet.  

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  1. 2012/01/26 at 3:54 pm

    9. Be first to like their blog.
    10. Comment that you were first.
    11. Play it cool like it’s no big deal, man.

    Whatever.

    • 2012/02/06 at 10:45 am

      Ummm…I’m pretty sure this is the most hilarious comment that I’ve ever read.

  2. Rich Crete
    2012/01/26 at 5:09 pm

    So you’re saying you’ve been ignoring me, then. Does that mean I should quit calling or just try harder?

  3. 2012/01/27 at 2:33 pm

    I think I’m really gonna save the next “landline” message I get in my phone.

  4. 2012/01/28 at 4:09 pm

    Great advice! Awesome title!

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