Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > Walking Through Life With Your Eyes Closed (Not A Deep Metaphor)

Walking Through Life With Your Eyes Closed (Not A Deep Metaphor)

Have you tried this?  As I’ve said before, I have a tendency to start my “book” chapters such as these with semi-rhetorical questions; get used to it because I won’t be stopping anytime soon. Really, isn’t asking the audience a vague question near the beginning a writing tool used to hook them in?  Maybe I read that somewhere else when they started out with a question to me.  Who knows.  Not I.

Again, “walking with your eyes closed” is not some deep psychological nor philosophical insight I’m trying to bring out, although this title is quite catchy if I do say so myself… which I do.  If you haven’t tried this yet, then get off your ass.  Go stand in the middle of an open parking lot, close your eyes, and walk forward.  I’m willing to bet that after you’ve journeyed a few cautious steps you will open your eyes to see if you’re about to hit anything.   When you’re aware that there’s absolutely nothing in your path for at least 100 feet, having your eyes closed will betray the trust in your other senses.  You’ll innocently take deliberately slow baby steps being sure to keep your hands feeling the air out in front just in case… because as soon as your twisted friends realize you’re blindfolded and vulnerable, they’ll revel in the opportunity to place hazards in your way.  Bastards.

We lose our trusted sight-given ability to track distance when we walk with our eyes closed… which is an obvious statement of fact even though some pompous ass will have some postulate argument against my logic.  Now that I think about it, if depth perception already gets shot to hell after a few strong Long Islands (read: “A good Long Island, less sour, less Coke, add Peach Schnapps), I wonder if the difficulty to walk with eyes closed while drunk increases or decreases… I need to find a test subject… and get them to do it in a high-traffic area… for scientific purposes.  We can probably knock out a couple of scientific studies at once in this test because those crash test dummies haven’t been reliable enough to simulate real, fleshy, flabby life.  Of course there will be a waiver signed ahead of time; I don’t want you to start worrying about my financial liabilities and reputation.

Running into things isn’t the only reason I can’t help but open my eyes.  I usually find myself checking if I’m still walking in a straight line; which has roughly the same chance as calling a coin toss correctly.  One of the most awkward places for a blind person to be is in your friendly neighborhood bookstore (especially if they can’t find the bathroom).

A good portion of this book reflects the little reactions and behaviors we humans easily ignore or plainly don’t notice in everyday life.  Some of the funniest people, like Seinfeld in his heyday, lived and thrived off of observationalist humor… I think I’ve got a long ways to go.

  1. 2012/01/11 at 5:16 pm

    I might get my license taken away if you have a lot of police sheriffs reading your blog, but I do this while driving. Only for a split second. It makes my heart skip faster. I’m worried one day my eyelids might get too fat and I won’t have the energy or strength to open them again. That’s how I’ll die. A hero’s death. Trying to grab life by the balls.

  2. 2012/01/11 at 11:36 pm

    I did this when I was a kid, but I was running really fast. As my mom later said, “It’s all fun and games until somebody runs into a tree”.

    That was a deep rhetorical question!

  3. 2012/01/11 at 11:38 pm

    By the way, I posted today just like I said not to. And it didn’t go well. Wednesdays are just bloody bad days. Plenty of traffic but no motivation to get some discussion going. Of course, it could just be a lame post. I dunno *

  4. 2012/01/12 at 9:39 am

    here’s the Versatile Blogger Award because I think you’re cool.

  5. 2012/01/12 at 6:35 pm

    Excellent post, my new friend!

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