Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > The Silent Killer

The Silent Killer

I’m tired of hearing about all of these fad diets. I’m also tired of mosquitoes, but that isn’t relevant in any way to the topic I wanted to discuss. I believe that most of the time all somebody needs to do to lose their flabby gut is cut back on the quantity of what they’re eating and continue to eat the “right” foods at least on occasion; it’s plain and simple. My favorite consumption rule is the old saying, “Everything is good for you, but only in moderation”… unless it’s a holiday in which case you need to stuff your face like you’ll never see food on your plate ever again. If you don’t do this, then grandma will get angry and we all know what happens when she’s angry. She takes a nap. Quick, steal some more peppermint candy while she’s off her guard.

I guess for some people these low-carb diets and such might work, but I don’t see how cutting out bread from your meals is good for you at all. Don’t you recall that the “old” food pyramid said bread was the most important item to consume daily for staying healthy? I can’t wait to see what this newly redesigned food pyramid looks like. Although, by now I probably should have looked it up since it was released years ago, but my level of effort right now to accurately debate my point is fairly minimal. We tend to forget the fact that humans have been living off of delicious bread forever. On a side note, if you want to see something pretty damn creepy, Google “human bread.” Gross looking… unless you’re Hannibal Lecter in which case it looks appetizing. Anyways, so while everyone else stops eating bread, I’m going to eat more of it, along with ice cream, steaks, carrots, and whatever else I can cram down my throat (no, dick jokes are not allowed in this context).

Another obvious solution to our weight problem is as easy as going outside to run in circles for a while like a dog tied to a tree, visiting a gym once in a blue moon, or at best moving off the couch (okay, maybe when the next show is over and then the next one after that). I’m waiting for the inevitable moment in the near future food when scientists make another brilliant discovery that carbs, sugars, and all the other shit they thought was making you fat will turn out to be the best for your body, and inform us that all along it was really it was those foods deemed “healthy” that were the cause of your thunder thighs. Yes, it was your childhood green nemesis all along…

Broccoli: The Silent Killer

Still angry enough at broccoli’s master plan to thwart your life (has “thwart” ever been used in this way?)? Then I’m sure you can’t wait to read about the Health Fairy.

  1. Becoming Bitter
    2011/11/25 at 5:36 pm

    Although you’ve made some good points about a person’s diet, food pyramid, and exercise. My belief is simple: We’re all going to die one day. So, if we’re gonna “go” we should “go” happy.

    – The Dark One

    PS. No, I’m not obese.

  2. 2011/11/26 at 2:24 pm

    Low carb diets do work, but only for about a week or 2. It’s a nice quick solution if you have a prom, debutant ball, or a funeral coming up that you want to look your best for.

    Really though it only works because you’re eating less. Less of anything will make you lose weight. – Source, some random guy on an exercise forum

  3. 2013/06/27 at 7:40 am


    Apparently the word is spreading about this evil mastermind and now the larger news sources are spreading the word of this delicious yet obese-causing green flowertop.

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