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TNMN : Strong-Armed

It’s another Thursday Night Movie Night… okay, it’s not because this is Friday… or was Friday, but I missed that day too so now at 2:00am it is in fact Saturday. For the sake of what I intended to start doing weekly, let us use our infinite imagination that this is still the glorious Thursday that we just had. I’m sure you wouldn’t argue against reliving this past Thursday, except for the fact that we’d have to work a Friday one more time than necessary. So in rock-star late fashion, I present this Thursday Night’s Movie Night:

What else were you going to do? Read a book? Sure…

All lives start relatively uneventful; that is unless you were born in a fashion similar to Ricky Bobby in the backseat of a car while your father slammed on the brakes.
Regardless, the birth of Randall Holmes was no different than the average child of Dover, Delaware.
He was brought into the world by an alcoholic, self-absorbed mother who mistook the long trimesters as a period of too many fattening burritos that inadvertently came back up.
By the age of 12, when a boy stops getting cooties shots and starts awkwardly trying to hold conversations about uneventful weekends with girls instead of throwing rocks at them, Randall quickly developed a protective instinct for his family after his sister was attacked by an Asian midget (never seen one have you? didn’t think so)
Throughout grade school he had a distinct inability to prove the slightest sense of hand-eye coordination with his left hand.
He was judged, degraded, and mercilessly taunted in baseball, dodge ball, sweeping, scrubbing, basically anything that may have involved any interaction with his left hand.
Randall disregarded the teenage years of continuous harassment, and didn’t spend a day crying in his room about it (and sure as hell didn’t star in any commercials labeling bullying as something that scars weak children).
With a strong patriotic heart, he enlisted in the army and was determined to overcome any stigma
It wasn’t until an off-duty weekend back home that he realized his hard life was in for its next complication.
His right arm was riddled with hollow point rounds during a drive-by shooting at a Toys-R-Us where the neighborhood thugs hung out, and he was honorably dismissed from the service.
In a predictable twist of fate, Randall’s right arm had to be amputated and donated to the local preschool as a children’s toy plaything.
Alone, sad, and missing his strong arm, he looked at his DVD collection of the world’s best porn stars as a tear came to his eye.
This is his true story of overcoming a masturbation disability.
How an ordinary citizen makes it through life with one arm day by day.
Inspiring is an understatement.

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  1. 2011/09/10 at 10:53 am

    I live in Miami. Those drive-bys are an ever present and all too frequent event. On the other hand with this city’s trigger happy cops , you may also become a victim of their bullets as well.

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