Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > Dr. Goldblum or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Invasion

Dr. Goldblum or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Invasion

Whenever I watch a film based on alien encounters and invasions, I often wonder if our world’s top scientists and military minds have begun to put serious effort into creating anti-UFO weaponry.  Now, I haven’t been up-to-date on alien bashing technologies in quite some time.  The last lesson I took was when the intellectual Jeff Goldblum gave the people of Earth their Independence Day in 1996 by using his hacking wizardry to upload a computer bug into an alien mothership.  However, since that day I’m almost positive that the aliens have been working  around the clock to update their Norton Antivirus security software in preparation for their next attack on our otherwise defenseless planet.

Image courtesy of Hotflick.net

After first annihilating their biggest threat

For the most part, all movie directors, screenwriters and authors portray us to be utterly hopeless, which in most scenarios, is not how I would prefer my state of being… unless it involves being blindfolded and restrained to my bed by pink furry handcuffs while an intimidating lady dressed head to toe in skin tight black leather shouts incomprehensible yet subtly sexy phrases in deep German as she cracks her nine-pointed whip. Was that too much of a visual?  Don’t worry, that’s only how we play board games like Monopoly.  If you want to witness some truly intense action, come by when Jeopardy is on TV.  Needless to say, outside of the comforts of my personal household, I am a voter for non-helplessness.

Wholesome Family Fun!

How do you enjoy you're Tuesday nights after work?

So after scaring the populous, or at least some wholesome back-country rednecks, with the thought of invasion, what weapons have we developed?  If their UFOs are durable enough to withstand space travel, ridiculous G-forces, and atmospheric emergence, then I’m willing to bet that our common, high-velocity tank ammunition rounds aren’t going to do too much damage.  We haven’t suitably developed any full-scale lasers as weapons besides counter-measure ones used to deactivate Earth missiles mid-flight, so that problem solver is out of the question.  There would be endless problems with radioactive fallout if we were to say, attempt to detonate even one nuclear warhead near their low flying spacecraft during a fight.

In every sense of the word, doesn’t it seem like we’re fucked?

I want to see some new plans on the table.  Show me fresh scientists being recruited and the Air Force troops being trained as astronauts.   We’ll need capital to invest in these endeavors so let’s start by cutting cutting pointless lawsuit court cases and settlements.  With all of our savings from not allowing Johnny Badparent to sue toymakers for his kid eating small parts, we’ll fund a world-wide Extraterrestrial Invasion Plan.  Let’s begin formulating our battle tactics around the alien movies and stories we’ve loved to tell since those seem to what circumstances we fear the most.

And, ladies and gentlemen, what alien themed story is most popular amongst the Southern folk crowd?  That’s right, forcible abduction and anal probing.  It may be harsh to bring Elizabeth Smart back into the headlines, but by now she and her six month late-memory-having sister should be able to teach some lessons on avoiding abduction.  Dammit, if there’s an alien war facing the planet, they’d better be able to step it up for all of us.

Lastly, isn’t it interesting that you can go online and in seven short seconds find countless videos and pictures featuring some form of human anal probing?  There’s self-inflicted probing, willingly yet forced probing, mutual probing, machine controlled probing, and maybe even probing administered on a cheap UFO movie set by a cosplay guy wearing the outfit of a Mars Attacks space invader.  This seems to me like we’re already far more advanced in innovative anal probing methods than any real aliens, so why are we scared?  I mean, what’s really left to worry about?  Losing a building or two to a giant death ray?  Bring it.

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  1. 2011/08/02 at 10:17 pm

    There is some rare dumb-luck timing that came with this post as the movie “Cowboys & Aliens” was just recently released. Unfortunately, this did absolutely nothing to help me gain views as I should have guessed, and for those of you that have seen the movie, I’m sure you can tell I didn’t watch it nor do I have any clue how their invasion happened.

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