Home > The Goofy Book 3: Writing Experiments > Ch. 66: Protecting The Planet From Itself (Part 2)

Ch. 66: Protecting The Planet From Itself (Part 2)


It is in these written commentaries that I guarantee to ignore all relevant scientific research to provide direct satirical entertainment into your brain.  Learn about the planet my easy, quick and wrong way!

There is something to be said about how harmful animal waste can be to our water systems, such as dog poop as pointed out in the flyer, but to an realistic extent I imagine that this isn’t singularly a crime against nature.  I prefer to believe that animal waste left on the ground is merely fresh plant fertilizer, unless it’s lodged into the treads of my shoes at which time it becomes a source of intense frustration.  If a few, pardon my childish language, unscooped pet turds find their way into these waterways I don’t foresee any more pollution complications that haven’t already arisen from the numerous fish and ducks that have been defecating in the same waters for hundreds of years.  All in all, in respect to the leashed Fidos squatting near your stream, the water is really no less clean than it has ever been—it’s still going to get treated before it reaches your dainty lips.  Hell, give your immune system a project for the day to work a little harder at protecting your body and be fearless.

The final bullet point on this environmental awareness handout brought the mockery to a higher level.  Completely unrelated to every issue previously mentioned it states that “too many leaves and grass clippings can take the oxygen out of water and suffocate the plants and animals who need oxygen to breathe.”  Note taken.  However, aside from finding a new location to dump my freshly cut lawn clippings other than my favorite neighborhood creek, I’m not in a position to prevent leafy foliage from its grounded destiny.

There’s only so many ways to be an activist in protecting the water from unfamiliar plant life.  Perhaps I could round up a few tree-hugging hippies and convince them that to help save the planet from itself they need to be standing on guard, 24-7, underneath trees that loom over the streams and, while armed with large wicker baskets, attempt to catch any falling leaf.  Then once autumn is over and the trees are bare, the leaf filled baskets can be set on fire, as I’m sure this is the most elegant solution.

If we truly want to be proactive we must step up our game and chop down any tree, bush, or flower that has taken a position suspiciously near water flow.  We’re not doing our part unless there is absolutely no threat of leaves robbing these fish of air.  Although, I do find it interesting that there always seems to be more plant growth in close proximity to bodies of water.  Plants must really loath fish.  Last step: call the Arbor Day Foundation hotline and command them to stop recklessly planting trees all over the place.  For every little orange Nemo that turns belly up in the water, we’re cutting down a tree.  This injustice to animal life must end.

I’ll probably soon get caught peeing in a babbling brook while pointing and laughing at the tiny swimming creatures helplessly at my mercy.

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