Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > An Arm To Spare

An Arm To Spare

What do surgeons and doctors do with amputated limbs?  Surely you can’t just throw them in a trash can; that arm or leg once held sentimental value to someone. Respectively though, the previous limb bearer probably didn’t realize it’s heartfelt worth besides on the one day when their high school crush accidentally touched their hand and they vowed never to wash it ever again.  Now his appendage is gone forever while we all moved on and forgot about the sad one armed kid because he could no longer play defense and catch a dodgeball.

So what other options are out there for limb disposal?  I’d assume that if your limb had to be amputated in the first place it wouldn’t do any good as a transplant for another patient either… besides, isn’t that the basis for at least a few cheesy ‘90s horror flicks.  I can’t think of any significant scientific breakthroughs that could result from studying or using a severed arm, especially since it wouldn’t stay fresh for very long.  Natural decomposition is a cold, hard bitch—says the handjob necrophiliac to the creeped out bystander.  *Shudder*

Cremation as a disposal of excess limbs could work.  However there’d have to be an entire furnace separated specifically for this purpose unless they unorthodoxly combine all hospital waste together and incinerate the conglomerate mass at once.  Even this seems like a hassle because you’re still left with a useless pile of ashes—which wouldn’t look as bad until you discovered the various origins.

Perhaps there’s a company out there specializing in morbid ash and extremity removal.  “Bob’s Appendage Disposal – You Hack ‘Em, We’ll Trash ‘Em.”  Unsurprisingly, this would be an awkward job as well, filling containers with left over human parts, transporting them to some shadowy factory near the harbor, working some industrial biology magic, and in all likelihood selling the output as fertilizer.

I’m sure some people have asked for their arm or leg back.  Hell, men proudly take home peed out kidney stones as if a genuine Moon rock passed through their system, while women on the other hand take home a baby.  Maybe they wanted to stuff their severed limb and hang it above the fireplace mantle in remembrance of what once was much like a dear old pet.  Or in the very least, every year they would have one great Halloween gag.

“Severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.” – The late, great Mitch Hedberg

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