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The Kingdom

As I sat staring down at the large cup of water spilt on the carpet I decided that there must be a more productive use for my unobtainable thirst-quenching liquid rather than soaking up it with a towel… and so began my Kingdom.

The Kingdom of Wilson (more than a Township but shy of an Empire) lives off the given land, and as such, a perfectly decent foot-long moat starter kit is nothing to be wasted.  More water is being brought in from the kitchen as we speak to expand this defensive water channel to a dramatic, “Oh my, would you look at the size of that moat!” level.  The current resident population leaves something to be desired, but we’re hoping that the addition of our new luxurious Castle de Pillows will attract visitors and future citizens.  Our cotton blend fortification is sturdy and capable of withstanding even the heaviest catapult barrages of paper balls and severed Barbie heads–much stronger than the goose feather and straw castle attempts that kept getting knocked over by the envious Big Bad Wolf.

Court jesters are always in high demand to entertain the King and his knights.  Also, by popular demand we have recently developed a security training program for the castle guards entitled, “What To Do If A Tall Giant, Standing On A Wheelbarrow, Wearing A Flaming Holocaust Cloak Demands Entrance To Our Castle,” as well as our ever educational, “Big Wooden Horses Or Rabbits On Squeaky Wheels Are Not Allowed In.”  We want you to feel safe here during your stay…and eventual loyalty to the King…

Be on the lookout for our colorful travel brochures containing a map of the Kingdom grounds and coupons for one free pasta dinner prepared by I, the King, for a limited time only while my pantry supplies last.

Special events this week include:

  • Kingdom Pub Drinking Contest
  • Tuesday Night Ghost Stories With A Flashlight Under A Blanket.

Kingdom Reminder:

Bring out your dead every Monday morning for our convenient waste collector pickup.

Crime Blotter:

A suspected pyromaniac going by Tim the Enchanter was recently reported near the castle gates casting fire and explosions without reason.  Please call 1-800-Bad-References if you witness any suspicious activity (yes, we’re aware that the hotline phone number is too long, but it won’t stop you from entering every letter anyway).

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  1. 2011/04/16 at 7:58 pm

    1514: György Dózsa, Székely man-at-arms and peasants’ revolt leader in Hungary, was condemned to sit on a red-hot iron throne with a red-hot iron crown on his head and a red-hot sceptre in his hand (mocking at his ambition to be king), by Hungarian landed nobility in Transylvania. While Dózsa was still alive, he was set upon and his partially roasted body was eaten by six of his fellow rebels, who had been starved for a week beforehand.

  2. 2011/04/16 at 8:01 pm

    GEOFF’S PARENTS: I own a bridge in Brooklyn, would you be interested in minority shares of this property?

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