Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > Patience Be Damned

Patience Be Damned

On a college campus, it is basically impossible to find an empty space in the student parking lots unless you get there before the ass crack of dawn or when owls start hooting at night. It doesn’t even matter what campus I’m referring too. Campuses with off-campus parking lots (typically inner city schools) have their own degree of problems, but nevertheless they’re the same. I believe I just told you exactly what you already knew, yet I’m continuing anyway in case you develop amnesia and want to remember what your stressful life once was like.

Students drive laps around the parking lots looking for an open parking space like buzzards circling around a fresh carcass before they descend at 80mph. Pedestrians are at maximum risk the second they step onto the asphalt realm. If you so much as even look at a nearby car, the other anxious vultures will accelerate rapidly running over a few straggling students along the way because they’ve been waiting an hour for a single spot to open up. The class they were meaning to attend already begun and ended, but these students are determined to park their damn car. If only they had as much motivation for homework. Student parking lots are nothing more than the devil’s twisted musical chairs, and boy does he love seeing you suffer.

Most people dread going back to their cars because they know they’re targeted. Every single step they take will be carefully watched and they can feel the heat of an engine on their heels. If you ever wondered what it’d feel like to have a price on your head and the mob closing in, well, this is it. The really lucky ones are those traveling in a pack after leaving class at the same time. As soon as they enter the parking lot boundaries they can sprint in all different directions, momentarily stunning and distracting the drivers. The leaving students can feel no guilt holding everyone up. Plus those that have been waiting now have to desperately hunt and search for which vehicles were boarded before it’s too late and the fresh spot is taken.

I don’t feel any remorse; I strive to disappoint. Every now and then I’ll walk back to my car solely to retrieve an item, and sure enough I start noticing cars converging on me out of my peripheral vision. Soon enough I’m being followed as if I was late on the Godfather’s generous loan repayment and Vinnie and Tony are coming to break my legs*. I can feel the tension swelling between the surrounding drivers as they’re expecting an intense round of chicken for who’ll claim my space and be King. Soon giant fireballs full of anger and torn dreams are erupting from what once were automobiles as they witnessed me lean into my passenger side door to grab my umbrella and turn away. On a related incident, the charred ashes of a few nearby squirrels were found at the scene. Condolences go out to their families who have yet to hear the news.

On this particular day I felt like being an asshole, but an asshole that needed some exercise to work off a hefty lunch. So where did I choose to do some power walking? You guessed it, the campus gym. The end.

Anyways, the cars begin to creep up on me again as I meandered through the parking lot swaying my keys while pretending I was looking for my car. I’d walk down one row for a bit but then turn suddenly and cross through some parked cars to the next row. You could maybe see the vehicles tailing me have a miniature panic attack because I just disappeared and now they’ve got to hurry around to the other row before the rest of the pack. However, of all the auto related experiences in my life I have yet to notice a car, van, or truck express an emotion similar to that of a human panic attack. I don’t think our artificial intelligence engineering has quite reached that level of sophistication.

I debated continuing my weave in and out of cars, leading everyone on an endless journey with no happy ending, but I got cold and finally went to my car. I didn’t leave my spot though. Until they declare a law where thou must leave thine space once occupied I’m free to be as much of a dick as entertains me. I turned my car on, got the inside nice and toasty, then leaned my seat back and took a cozy nap. To make sure everyone noticed my creature comforts and no-cares lifestyle, I turned on my driving lights and put the car in reverse so those extra bright white rear spotlights would gain some attention. Don’t worry; I had the parking brake on so I was sure not to budge.

How long do you think that frustrated driver waiting for me to leave will sit in the lane with his turn signal blinking before he gives up and moves on to another hopeless cause? If your answer was, “Until he breaks down crying because he just missed his senior class final exam,” you’d be correct. I then pulled out and drove away as soon as he decided to give up. Be more patient crybaby and maybe you’ll get somewhere in life.

*I’m not lacking enough creativity to dream up another reference other than the mob. I’m simply choosing not to show it.

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