Home > The Goofy Book 3: The Real Thing > Ch. 58: Beating The System

Ch. 58: Beating The System

(the following is all thanks to a random overheard comment about cats… and if you weren’t yet aware, my book is a series of unconnected and highly irrelevant short thoughts)

To what point is training animals (or humans, whichever you prefer with your skin-tight black leather suit and nine-tailed whip) a matter of obedience, breaking their patience, or them merely beating the system?  You can “teach” them to “do” what you want by offering them treats, but we may be naively assuming their true obedience.  We give ourselves  unwarranted machismo credit for being able to kill a lone (yet sinisterly deadly) house spider, so teaching old dog new tricks tends to feel like an act of God.  I’m currently trying to convince my roommate’s cat to bring me a beer from the fridge, but all she’s doing is chasing around a laser pointer dot on the carpet… perhaps I should first stop playing with this light if I really want that beer, but damn she’s so silly cute it’s hard to resist.

Teaching an animal to do a trick, whether it be to sit, play dead or play undead zombie, begins more with wearing out their patience.  At first they may not understand why you’re schizophrenic ass is waving a cookie sporadically through the air, but they’re acutely aware that this particular treat is unbelievably more enticing—the same way that the dollar on a string gag was even remotely entertaining.  Eventually, your adorably aggravated pet will figure out what is wanted of them, and soon after you’ll be rewarding their actions.  Again, it starts out by being more patient than your furry friend.  If you tease me with a well mixed 100 proof Southern Comfort and Diet Dr. Pepper long enough*,  I don’t have the patience necessary to continue asking for it.  I’ll either give-in and do what you want, or give up and go buy my own (but let’s not kid ourselves, I’ll still be a slut for a free drink).  Of course I could be joking, but you girls won’t know until you try will you?

Eventually your animal may come to learn that by performing some unnecessary ridiculous demand, like shaking hands/paws in the middle of a classy dinner party, they’ll get handsomely rewarded.  They’ve become more adaptively intelligent that you were led to believe, and while you pride yourself obedience lessons you’re becoming the sucker.  Your cat knows all too well how embarrassed you’ll look as it ignores your calling and fetches its own cat nip from the box.

But like most observances in life, it can all be related to our relentless animal desire for sex (just go with any absurd statements I make).  If you wave a titty around long enough, we’ll eventually either start trying to stuff 20’s into your G-string as if it were instinct or make a grab at the prize—at which point you’ll find yourself in intimate relations with the bouncer’s Bigfoot sized hands while simultaneously marveling at the strength necessary to launch your limp body from the club’s entrance to the hard, cold pavement.

*Professional Tip: it’s one of the smoothest liquor drinks.

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