What You’re Really Saying

The majority of you readers, and probably the closest person to you, have at some point used an instant messaging program.  Don’t lie to me and tell me you haven’t or I’ll send Clint Eastwood over to your house to verbally degrade you with his old-man sneer for an excruciating 3 hours… or I’ll just let you go about your lying ways; probably the latter.

From Facebook chat, to the horridly masturbation-filled ChatRoulette, inter-office IMs, or the once classic AOL Instant Messenger, many hours have been logged typing away furiously to your cohorts (or to amateur porn webcam chatrooms).  No online conversation was ever complete without somebody using at least one smiley, emoticon, or whatever you prefer to call them (shrunken heads? I don’t know).

So today (because apparently I’ve got nothing funnier to write) I’ve taken the time to very accurately describe the true, deep meanings behind those smileys. They are listed further down this page… so I’m wasting precious browser white space right here…maybe I can fill it up a bit more if I just keep writing stuff that has even less meaning… like this… and adding more of those dots… because I do that quite often… it’s kind of how my mind thinks sometimes… you have a thought… pause… next tangent thought… look how much room I’ve now taken up with this nonsense… why is it normal to use three of these dots?… is 4 or 5 consecutive dots too many?… am I allowed to put question marks after those two questions and this current one?… some ancient philosopher probably made that rule a long, long time ago that you can’t abuse question marks like that… but I’m ignoring the rules so you’ll be able to live with question marks… why do I feel the urge to avoid referring to these favorite punctuation marks of mine as an ellipsis?… Good, web page area no longer wasted at the expense of your 14 now defunct brain cells. They may have been important ones too, like how to correctly tip your restaurant wait staff.  This is probably why they spit in your food every time you come back to their restaurant.

With this incredibly childish, yet informative key, you now have the ability to convey your thoughts in instant messages to their full visual potential.  Follow this simple baseline example to discover just how fun innocent story time becomes:

To continue on the quasi-fantastical journey through the mind of a crazy yet attractive person haha and my work, then please keep reading The Goofy Book 3

If you liked this post (or hate me a little more now while being strangely intrigued), check out these similar FBG posts: Gun In Mouth Smiley Emoticon (Blowing the Barrel).