The Cocktail – A Short Story – Part 1

2014/01/07 1 comment

A football game streaming on the right.  An empty page to the left.  This was meant to be an article on the peer-driven rituals of a friend turning 21.  Only a few unsuspecting minutes remained before all that Jeremy knew in his life would be gone.

Watching a dismal game while it poured outside, “Fitting,”, he thought.  The first half was slow, and the team he had wagered a small side bet on wasn’t performing as well as he had hoped.

“Aww, what was that ref?!,” he yelled into his computer screen in the naive but instinctive manner commonly attributed to sports fans as if the official would suddenly turn and look him eye-to-eye in the camera and say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong,” and reverse the call.

21-3.

How was his team going to come back from this deficit?  It wasn’t that he particularly liked this team, but there was hard-earned money riding on the outcome.

Dark and dreary.  It had been raining for the past couple of days so much that the drainage pipes couldn’t handle the Read more…

Stove Top Cooking Weekend

2013/12/13 Leave a comment

Quick, it’s Friday/Saturday/Tuesday and your bachelor or bachelorette self needs to get out of the house for a drink, but haven’t eaten dinner or breakfast yet (some of you I know start earlier than others).  Now, normally I’m all against posting about food, but this isn’t about food.  This entry is about getting you out to the bar earlier; a public service announcement if I may say so myself.  And especially for the men out there, let me tell you that bitches love a man who can cook up a meal when needed.

from dailymail.co.uk

Specifically.

So let’s get right to it because there’s no time to waste… there’s actual people and a bar waiting for you!

Read more…

Cutting Open History: The Story of Ming

2013/11/14 Leave a comment

This is actual news from the science community, and not just a made up life story… mostly... and by mostly I mean the link and the ending are true. 

1499. Ming the Mollusk is born to a single mother into the quiet life of the sea floor.

1500. Ming’s mother gave it a shell-crafted pearl as a first birthday present which Ming, doing as children do, promptly got it stuck up in its gills and had to get the local doctor to pluck it out, further pushing the family into debt.

1605. Ming realized that spending a century chilling down in the mud eating Cheetos and drinking Mountain Dew was no way to live and decided to venture out of its hole.

1606. Ming was wrong and dug itself another, albeit larger, hole.

1707. Ming Read more…

Sticks and Stones, Words and Greed

2013/04/24 1 comment

Alas, I cannot get through a single news day without reading an article about lawsuits and laws to re-inform me of society’s greed over the smallest of actions and overburdening political correctness. I also wonder how many times I’ve used “alas” in a post. It’s probably because I lock myself in a bathroom, stare at the mirror, and chant Shakespeare three times to summon the frilly playwright for personal vocabulary lessons. And to talk about wenches over tea.

Tom Hussey mirror to FBG shakespeare.jpg

Art thou good looking today?

Read: Phrase Mocking Asians on NY CVS Receipt as I try to tell a tale without my cultural bias. Meet Hyun Lee, a woman of Korean descent who wanted a simple day in NYC getting some photos developed at a nearby CVS, probably during her 6th trip to Starbucks because no self-respecting Manhattanite keeps their Blood Coffee-Content below 0.08%. Now either the photo-developing employee was extremely racist or had an unethical sense of humor, but he decided to

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Sh*t I Say While I’m Sleeping – Databases

2013/04/05 Leave a comment

Yet again I’ve been thinking about work in my sleep when I should be dreaming about bikini guns or watermelon bombs or steak.

 "...urghmm Which database should we use for this test?"
 (how is the girlfriend even awake to hear me?)
 "Are they able to get hacked?"
 *searches around on bed for something*
 *gives up and lays back down*
 "No... no. zzzz"

Read more…

Sh*t I Say While I’m Sleeping – Dream 1

2013/04/03 1 comment

Or as it may also be labeled, “Sh*t My Girlfriend Gets To Laugh At While I’m Dreaming”.

Dead sleep.
Zombie Geoff is accidentally rustled by girlfriend rolling over in bed.
"We just gotta find a nephew that can block the missiles!"
And she starts laughing...
"Whatever, just replace the missiles with deer.  We gotta kill that deer!"
Resume dead sleep.

Work, families, and rampaging deer in one nice chaotic dream.

…Alas, I’ve been lazy for a blog site that’s reached it’s 2 year anniversary. Cry and eat ice cream between now and

Read more…

Twigs and Berries – The Sole Remaining Health-food

2012/08/24 4 comments

Health and food news is constantly invading the Life sections of newspapers and the oh-shit-if-you-eat-this-you’ll-surely-die-a-less-timely-death-than-getting-hit-by-a-bus articles, which are mandatory each day on Yahoo!  I’ve never liked releasing posts that are short takes on everyday stories, especially when I’m severely lacking any original commentary to get your laughter muscles laughing (you know, the ones that make you fart, which is scientifically the only reason farts are funny).  However, I’ve recently had a three month period of not publishing anything so I might as well get your stubborn anger raised up a notch because it’s Friday, and I see no better way of ruining the last day of your work week when you’re usually skipping down the hall and giving the finger to the standard dress-code.

Once again I learned that apparently everything once thought to be healthy for those of us growing up in the ’80s was a lie created by Skeletor or somebody humanely evil that didn’t like to see people drop dead after immediate consumption, but liked keeping scrapbooks of our lives to track our progressively deteriorating health.  Among this article’s list of ingredients that you “never want to see on a nutritional label” (because reading the sodium level apparently gives you brain hemorrhages) are a culmination of all things that made your childhood a damn childhood.

kid playing in mud courtesy of blogspot post

Well, also this. Before your parent’s bought you a Nintendo.

Did you like cereal?  Do you still eat cereal? Boring cereal like Cheerios didn’t always do it for you, did it?  You had to have some of that flavored stuff like Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, or Lucky Charms.  BOOM!  You now have cancer or at best a tumor.

Lunchtime.  Read more…